Are You Choosing the Certainty of Misery?

Ep: 154

Do you wake up in the morning with a deeply unsettled feeling that there’s something more you should be doing? As you’re headed into work for the day, do you have the urge to turn the car around, but feel stuck by the fear of what might happen if you tried to change things? Today, Blake explains why so many people who aren’t happy in their lives tend to choose the certainty of misery over the misery of uncertainty. This type of inaction leads people to stay in situations where they’re unfulfilled rather than choosing to create the change they so desperately need.

You’ll hear why people choose the certainty of misery, and what it is that makes us so uncomfortable with the unknown to begin with. She shares real-life examples of what it looks like to choose misery, and how finally letting go of your attachment to certainty allows you to open up to new opportunities for guidance.

It’s time to let go of the certainty of your misery and get the resources you need to create the change you want & need! 

What You’ll Learn:

  • Why we’re uncomfortable with uncertainty (1:53)
  • How to know if you’re choosing the certainty of misery (3:17)
  • What it means when you can’t solve a problem in 48 hours (4:47)
  • The myth of a black and white approach to change (9:33)
  • Identifying where you are on the path to change (13:22)

Favorite Quote:

  1. We as humans are so uncomfortable with the things that we don’t know that we will literally stay in circumstances or situations that we know are making us miserable, that we know won’t get us where we want to go for fear of what that unknown actually might be.
  2. Until we begin to [question whether what our brain is telling us is true or not], we’re always going to be trapped in this cycle of believing that it’s safer to be miserable than it is to actually create change in our lives.

 

Additional Resources:

Rather than hoping the grass will be greener, identify what the RIGHT next step is. 

We can help you do just that.

Get clarity on where you are on your journey to career fulfillment, where you’re headed, optional paths to get there, and the right next step to take.

Start your complimentary, Personalized Career Fulfillment Plan by going to www.thebridgetofulfillment.com/plan

Want free resources to set your job search up for success? You can get them by going to: https://thebridgetofulfillment.com/mistakes

Transcript

Blake Schofield 0:03 My name is Blake Schofield, founder and CEO of Connections Illuminated, mom to three, and former corporate executive who got tired of sacrificing my life for a comfortable paycheck. My mission is to change women’s perspectives about what is possible, empowering them with the tools to create greater impact at home and at work without sacrificing their health time family or income. This is The Bridge to Fulfillment. It can become easy to think that we’re doing our best. We’re doing our due diligence, we’re avoiding or protecting ourselves from risk. But most of the time, those are actually lies that we’re telling ourselves. Most people prefer the certainty of misery, to the misery of uncertainty. That’s a quote by Virginia Satir. And one that I think is really impactful to understand and be able to see in our own lives. So I’m going to repeat that again. Most people prefer the certainty of misery, to the misery of uncertainty. We, as humans are so uncomfortable with the things that we don’t know that we will literally stay in circumstances or situations that we know, are making us miserable, that we know won’t get us where we want to go for fear of what that unknown actually might be. You know, I see this all the time with the women that I help, or have the opportunity to speak with, who are really miserable in their careers or lives, or have this deeply unsettled feeling that there’s something more they should be doing. And yet, so often I’ve watched them choose the path of misery instead of uncertainty. So why is that? Why are we so afraid of uncertainty? I have a couple beliefs on why that is. Number one is children. I don’t think we’re taught how to deal with emotions, how to deal with that feeling of fear. And we think that fear is protecting us. And sometimes it is, and sometimes it’s not. We’re actually not taught to challenge what we’re thinking, and actually question if what our brain is telling us is true or not. And until we begin to start doing that, we’re always going to be trapped in this cycle of believing, right? That it’s safer to be miserable than it is to actually create change in our lives. I had an amazing call earlier this week with a woman who was just so open to sharing with me what she’s feeling what she’s experiencing. And as we started to break down what she was thinking, it became really clear to her that her brain was tricking her that what her brain was telling her wasn’t actually true. And then she was very easily able to shift out of making decisions from a place of fear or frustration, and instead into making decisions from a place of wisdom, and opportunity. And that’s so important. Because if you’re allowing your fear to drive your life, you are likely choosing the certainty of misery versus the misery of uncertainty. So as I shared this, you might be wondering, okay, like, but how do I know if I’m doing that. So when I give you some examples of where I see this happening every single day, you’re in a career that’s no longer fulfilling you. But there’s things about your career or your company you like, and you don’t want to give those up. But you know, ultimately, I don’t want my boss’s job. I really want to be doing this in 2,3,4,5,10 years. You know what you’re doing, staying where you’re at won’t get you where you want to go. But you continue to go to work every single day, suck it up, put on a brave face and tell yourself you’re being responsible, staying in your job. Sounds familiar? It’s definitely my life for years, actually, more than a decade. What if you’ve identified that you have been trying to solve a problem for some period of time, and I’ll say, let’s say you’ve been trying to solve a problem on your own for two weeks, because oftentimes, I found that actually, people spend way more time than that, but let’s just say two weeks, and you have analyzed the data, you have thought three things and every single angle you look at feels like a dead end. Or you just cannot figure out how to put that puzzle piece together, while continuing to tell yourself that maybe I’ll get inspired and find the answer. Or I just need to keep trying and figuring it out. You are choosing the certainty of misery, because you can’t do it on your own.

Blake Schofield 4:36 You know, I think this is one of the biggest mistakes I see women make all the time and one of the biggest mistakes that kept me trapped for most of my life. If you are somebody who’s analytical, who’s a self starter, who really wants to be able to accomplish things on your own, and you have tried to solve a problem on your own, honestly for 48 hours, 48 hours, not two weeks, not two months, not two years, 48 hours and you have utilized the resources that you have, and you still cannot see the answer. The longer you continue to try to solve that on your own, the more time you are wasting, because ultimately you don’t have the knowledge, tools, or insight to be able to solve it. Shifting that perspective, realizing that asking for help, and then I didn’t actually know the answer was a huge, huge opener for my life. Because I used to spend months or years trying to solve things on my own, believing that if I couldn’t solve it on my own, no one else could help me. And now today, I know, if I use my resources, and within 48 hours, I don’t have a solution that I need to get outside help. So when you know what you’re doing what gets you where you want to go. And you know, you can’t do it on your own, but you choose to continue to move forward and do the same things, you are choosing the certainty of misery, versus the misery of uncertainty about this. Here’s some more examples. If you are in your head, so certain that there’s one option like Option A or Option B, very black and white, I can continue to do this, or that’s my other option. And you cannot see any other options that are available. Despite the fact that maybe other people have achieved what you want to achieve, or other people have figured out how to do something differently than you have. Or you’ve had people actually tell you, it is possible to do what you want. But you continue to believe that there are only the two options, you can see, you are choosing the certainty of misery, if you know you’re unhappy, but yet as you look to make a change in your life, you start seeing all the other things that would impact. And you go, Oh, I don’t know if I want to make that change. I don’t know if I if I want to make that impact, you are choosing to be miserable. And I’ll give you an example. So I was talking to a woman recently, who was so miserable in her job. she’d gotten to this black and white thinking the two options we’re talking about, either take a full time job and make a change. Or I don’t know, maybe maybe I decide to forego my career and stay home. And then I can volunteer and do nonprofit to these other things. In a secure wire, those are the only two options. Why are there not other options. And then I started to share with her stories and stories and stories of women who I’ve worked with, who wanted more balance and more flexibility for their life. And were able to do that without sacrificing their income, without sacrificing challenging work and doing things that made them feel like they were making a bigger difference. And then as we got a little further on in the conversation, you know, she shared with me, I’m willing to walk away from almost a $200,000 a year salary because I’m that miserable. And then we started talking about her creating change in her life. And she said, Oh my gosh, well, if I invest in this, you know, that impacts the other things I was going to do, you know, renovating my house going on a vacation? And I said to her wait a second, will renovating your house or going on a vacation actually make you happy? Like, will it actually solve the problem? And the answer to that was no. And then was it if you do those things? Are you still gonna be in this situation? I go on a vacation. I renovate my house, but I’m still miserable every day. And I’m still debating back and forth in my head unable to sleep waking up in the middle of the night. Are you going to be in a better position? No. And then let me ask you this. Were you willing to walk away from the house renovation? And from the vacation? And just give it all up? Give up all of the income which would have completely taken those things off the table? Because you were so miserable? Yes. Then why wouldn’t you be willing to invest in yourself at a much lower cost to reap significantly more return on investment and to actually solve what it is that you need to solve to live the life you want? And she stopped and she said, You’re right. That’s so illogical, it doesn’t make any sense. And that’s why I say we have to start to learn to challenge what our brain is saying to us. Because here’s the reality. She was willing to get rid of all of those things just to get out of pain. But when faced with the fear of uncertainty, right, all of a sudden, she was thinking that those things were priority when they clearly worked because she was willing to get rid of them to get out of the pain that she was in. She was actually more fearful of what might happen when she created change the misery of uncertainty, then she wasn’t actually letting go of anything.

Blake Schofield 9:33 And so often we tell ourselves, Well, if I do this thing, and I’m not going to be able to have that thing. It’s a very black and white approach. But more often than that, it’s not true. I’ll give you an example. I have a client that will be coming on and sharing her success story in the near future. amazing woman, so proud of her. She went through a lot of fear about investing in herself and making a change in her career. She doesn’t have a degree, and she’s been very successful in her career and her fear was it If I changed careers, I’m going to take a huge pay cut, people aren’t going to see my value. Or maybe I won’t even be able to transition into something different. And she had to get over the lies, her brain was telling her right to create that change. She came into the program. And just seven and a half weeks later, she’s like, I can’t even believe it, I have this amazing dream job. I can’t believe how fast this happened. She got a significant pay increase, significant. And what’s so amazing about it is her fear about investing in herself and all of these things that might happen, she get enough sign on bonus to more than pay for coming into this program. And then she got a massive annual increase in pay. In just three years, she will have made more than $100,000 more in income by choosing right to no longer stay in the certainty of misery. But to actually move forward on the things she wanted in her life. And yes, you did hear me over a period of the next three years, we worth over $100,000 to her in terms of her retirement or the things she really cares about for her family. But she couldn’t see it. When she was stuck in the certainty of misery. All she could see was black and white options. I’m in his career that I no longer fulfilled in or I move into a career and take a huge pay cut. I invest in myself, you know, and then I can’t do these other things. She couldn’t see a world where maybe she could actually have it all. And I see that so often in women, and in the conversations that we have together. If you were telling yourself, it would be easier if something happened that forced you to make change, so that you knew that you had no other option, you are choosing the certainty of misery. And if you tell yourself, I want to do that, but I’m going to wait until I have more money, or more time, or whatever that thing is, and you have not built a plan to actually ensure that you can achieve that goal so that you can take forward action on what you want. Right? What are you choosing, choosing the certainty of misery. Because if you aren’t taking action, that will clearly get you where you want to go. If you are fearful of what you might lose instead of what you might gain, if you know where you are, is not getting you where you want to go. But you’re not actually taking the actions to move you forward. You’re choosing to stay miserable. And so today, I’m giving you I don’t know, kind of a tough coaching lesson. And I’m doing that because I want you to be able to lead the life that you want. And I know that for honestly, so many years of my life, I was stuck thinking that I was doing my best thinking I was being responsible thinking that this was the only way forward. I didn’t really realize I was choosing to be miserable, I would have told you off 1000 times that I wasn’t that I was doing everything I could. But I was because I was so fearful of what else might be around the corner that I didn’t know about.

Blake Schofield 13:14 I was making my decisions out of fear or frustration instead of out of wisdom and opportunity. And so today, I want you to think about your life. Is there something in your life that’s not making you happy? That you want to change, but yet, you’re telling yourself a lie. You’re believing yourself? Right? That it’s risky, or scary, or all these other things. And you’re not challenging what your brain is telling you. I want you to think about it? Are you choosing the certainty of misery? And if so, this is your wake up call to start challenging what your brain is telling you to look at your actions to actually identify? Have I been stuck here for a while, you might try to solve this on my own? Do I actually have the solution? Or do I need to go seek out somebody who can help me see what I can’t see who can open up the possibilities for me, who can actually help me transition into the life that I want without having to sacrifice because that’s how we move forward. That’s how we create the life we want. Now, I was talking to a friend just this weekend, and she said I just like I’m blown away by how much your life has changed in the last five years. And she’s right it has I live an entirely different life than I did five years ago, in ways I could have never even dreamed possible. Five years ago, my biggest goal was to lead a more sane life to be able to enjoy time with my friends, my kids, my family and to do work that felt fulfilling, you know, to be able to pick my kids up after school and drop them off before school to have more space in my days. And today I realize how small that goal really was. Because how much more expansive my life is the opportunities and the doors that are opening for me are beyond what I could have ever imagined. But it started with realizing that what I was doing wasn’t getting me where I wanted to go, that I couldn’t solve it on my own, that other people were achieving things I wanted to achieve. But I didn’t know how to achieve it myself, that everything I was looking at look like more of the same or a sacrifice. And I was stuck in between those two things, neither of which was actually what I wanted. That I was telling myself. Right that it was selfish to invest in myself, instead of realizing it was actually selfish not to because I was having an impact on everyone around me that I actually cared about in my ability to do things I wanted to do. And I didn’t have a plan, I kept telling myself I was going to sell, but I kept telling myself, I was going to create that change. But I didn’t have a plan that had confidence I could actually achieve to get there. And so if that’s you today, this is your wake up call, right? It’s time to create change in your life. And it starts with you. And it starts with seeking help to get where you want to go. And so if you are listening to my podcast, and you feel like, you know, you need to do something different in your career, but you don’t know what that is, and you don’t know how to get there. I want to openly invite you that maybe it’s no surprise that today you’re listening to the podcast, maybe this is the message you need to hear. I want to encourage you to reach out schedule your own personalized career fulfillment plan, and get clarity on where you are on your journey to your career fulfillment, where you’re headed, optimal paths to get there and the right next step for you. Because with that information, you can be empowered to create the change in your career in life that you truly want. Until next time, have a great week.

Blake Schofield 16:54 Thanks for joining me today. Rather than hope the grass will be greener identify what the right next step is. We can help you do just that. Get clarity on where you are in your journey to career fulfillment, where you’re headed, optimal paths to get there, and the right next step to take. Start your complimentary personalized career fulfillment plan at www.thebridgetofulfillment.com/plan. Again, you can get your personalized career fulfillment plan at thebridgetofulfillment.com/plan. Thanks again for joining and have a great week ahead.