From People-pleasing to Sharing Your Truth Without Fear with Guest Expert Amy Green Smith

Ep: 267

Do you struggle to speak up and say how you truly feel in difficult situations?

Staying silent or feeling a sense of fear about speaking up doesn’t allow you to show up as your authentic self.

While holding back your truth can help you feel accepted, it can also be damaging to your self-worth, hiding your authenticity when it matters most.

But there IS a way to stand in your truth without damaging your relationships.

Today on The Bridge to FulfillmentⓇ, Blake welcomes Amy Green Smith. She is a certified life coach, speaker, and personal empowerment expert. Through her work, she helps people transform from people-pleasing to a place of radical personal empowerment and self-worth.

In this episode, you’ll learn how to shift from people-pleasing behaviors into speaking your truth with respect. You’ll hear boundary recipes that will help you overcome self-doubt and conquer the fear of rejection. You’ll learn how to find your voice and speak your truth through fearless, authentic communication.

Speaking up doesn’t have to be confrontational. It’s possible to share difficult truths with grace.

What You’ll Learn:

  • What we’re taught about acceptance (6:27)
  • Looking to current relationships to heal past wounds (12:36)
  • Determining when your fear is legitimate (21:49)
  • What it looks like to be authentic in the moment (29:41)
  • How to ask for what you need: a boundary recipe (38:31)

 

Favorite Quotes:

  1. “We often think our experience is just our own, but very rarely are we actually alone.” –Blake
  2. “When we’re talking about finding our voice or speaking up, almost always antithetical to that, is that investment in what other people think- that people pleasing.” –Amy Green Smith
  3. “Your bullshit tolerance starts to get lower and lower once you realize, like, oh, I should not be spoken to in that way.” –Amy Green Smith
  4. “That’s often why we end up as people-pleasers, because we see things differently than the people around us, and we’re told that we are wrong or not okay, or we should be compliant. And as a result of that, we lose connection with our inner compass.” –Blake
  5. “People feel safer with you if they know where you stand and where they stand with you.” –Amy Green Smith

Additional Resources: 

Connect with Amy Green Smith:
Website: https://amygreensmith.com/
Freebies: https://amygreensmith.com/free/
Social:
https://www.instagram.com/heyamygreensmith/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/heyamygreensmith/
https://www.facebook.com/heyamygreensmith
https://www.threads.net/@heyamygreensmith

Transcript

Amy Green Smith 0:04
I had learned how to allow my silence genuinely to make me a liar, that I wasn’t allowing myself to genuinely be the authentic version of who I was because it was so ingrained in me that that would not be accepted. And I truly still do not believe that a lot of difficult conversations are ultimatums. However, if it does come to that, and I have to decide between making you happy and making me happy, I’m going to choose me.

Blake Schofield 0:46
I’m Blake Schofield, founder and CEO of The Bridge to Fulfillment, mom to three, USA Today Top 10 Professional Coach, and former corporate executive who got tired of sacrificing my life for a comfortable paycheck. My mission is to expand perspectives to achieve greater impact at home and work without sacrifice. This is The Bridge to Fulfillment.

I’m so excited to share today’s guest expert with you. Her name is Amy Green Smith, and she’s a certified and credentialed life coach and hypnotherapist, masterful speaker, and personal empowerment expert. Amy uses her roles as a coach, writer, podcaster, and speaker to move individuals to a place of radical personal empowerment and self-worth, with an acute focus on helping people find their voice. She is highly sought after for her uncommon style of reverent wisdom and humor and has been a featured expert in Inspired Coach Magazine and on Fox 5 San Diego.

What a powerful conversation I was able to have with Amy! Many of the concepts we discuss are ones I see consistently with high achievers, perfectionists, people pleasers, and those of us who often acquiesce what we need to avoid creating waves. She offers some really practical tools to easily share what you want and need in a positive way that enables you to truly use your voice to create better relationships, working environments, and a life that aligns with who you really are.

With that said, I’m really excited to share this interview, and I hope that you take at least one thing from this and apply it in your life in a powerful way. Hello, Amy! Welcome to The Bridge to Fulfillment. I’m so excited to have you here today.

Amy Green Smith 2:45
Hi, Blake! I know we’re going to have the best conversation.

Blake Schofield 2:48
I’m so excited about the topic. What we’re talking about today is something I feel really passionate about, and it’s something that in my own personal journey, I had to really work to find my voice. So I know the audience is going to get a ton out of what you share. But before we dive in, I’d love for you to share a little bit about who you are, your background, and how you ended up passionate about doing this work.

Amy Green Smith 3:10
Yeah, so I think we should probably do a little disclaimer at the top. I was chatting with Blake before we hit record, and I let her know that in the spirit of authenticity, my authentic self is a bit of a sailor—or a bit of a “swear bear,” as I like to say. So, if you have any young kids in the car or are adverse to a couple of colorful pieces of language, then you might want to listen to this without the kiddos.

To discuss my journey that landed me in this particular career, I think many of us in the “expert space” had to learn our lessons the hard way, and that eventually becomes what we teach. My situation is very much the same. For a bit of context, I grew up in a very, very conservative, born-again Christian family. My father had a Master’s in Divinity and a Doctorate in Ministry—so he was not messing around. I grew up with a lot of messages around what constituted being a good person, predicated on this notion that I was innately broken and needed saving. There was a lot of inspiration to people-please, twist, contort, and put up a facade. By all accounts, I was the proverbial “good kid.”

I think you and I have a similar background in that way—any overachievers out there? Any eldest children who might be listening? My two younger siblings ended up doing jail time and had trouble with the law, whereas I started working when I was 14, put myself through college, and moved out of the house young. This all comes into play a little later.

In 2007, my father passed away. At the time, I was transitioning from working as a makeup artist into the personal development space. I felt extremely convicted that I was going to do his makeup for his viewing. Yes, this is the “dead dad makeup” portion of the show. Blake’s giving me a look. I also felt strongly that I wanted to speak to a crowd of hundreds of people that day. It was a no-brainer for me. Afterward, when we got back to my mom’s house, I felt like I had “won” at being a daughter that day—like I was winning the “good daughter” award. And then my mom finds it the most opportune time to say to me, “It feels as though your father and I have failed as parents because the three of you”—grouping me with my siblings—”are no longer subscribed to the faith traditions we were raised with.” She said, and I quote, “You aren’t walking with the Lord.” The only thing I could muster in that moment was, “I don’t think you should say that to a child.” I was thinking: I just did makeup on my dad’s corpse, spoke to a crowd of hundreds, and checked off all the “good daughter” boxes. Up until that time, I had such an artifice, such a veneer. I would prep my partner every time we visited my parents, saying, “No cussing, no drinking, no smoking, no liberal agenda, no Jon Stewart, no South Park—just keep everything buttoned up.” I had learned how to allow my silence to make me a liar. I wasn’t allowing myself to be the authentic version of who I was because it was ingrained in me that it wouldn’t be accepted. That moment became pivotal for me.

I still don’t believe that most difficult conversations are ultimatums. However, if it comes down to making you happy versus making me happy, I’m going to choose me. That was the first time that stance truly took hold for me. But I’ll tell you what—it was a shitshow after that. The floodgates had opened. Suddenly, I wanted to fight about everything. I wanted to have difficult conversations. I was also bolstered by it being “one against one” as opposed to “one against two.” It took years of arguments and me needing to walk back my delivery—not my stance or opinion, but the way I delivered it. I had to say things like, “I still feel very strongly about what we discussed, but I never should have said it that way. You didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that.” After many times of doing that, I realized: You can give voice to polarizing topics with the utmost grace and kindness. You can ask for a divorce with empathy. You can ask an adult child to move out with compassion and love. You can tell your family you don’t subscribe to the faith traditions you were raised in—with grace and kindness.

That became the impetus behind the work I do now, which focuses on two components:

  1. The internal piece—believing your voice matters and that you are worthy, period.
  2. The external piece—how this informs difficult conversations, saying no, and setting boundaries.

That has come full circle in my own life.

Blake Schofield 8:43
That’s so powerful. There’s so much in what you shared. One universal thing I’ve seen is that we often think our experiences are unique to us, but rarely are we actually alone. We aren’t broken—what we’re experiencing is part of the human condition. We get to choose how we experience it. I wasn’t the oldest daughter—I’m the baby. But very early on, I learned that being the “good daughter” meant making everyone else happy and saving them. My sister, who is older than me, was far more willing to speak her truth and was heavily punished for it. I learned early on that speaking up wasn’t safe and that there was a “right” and “wrong” way to live life.

Hearing your experience, I see a lot of similarities. Previous generations taught us that children should be seen and not heard. Life just has to be tough. Do what your parents say. If you don’t believe what they do, you’re disrespectful. What I’ve observed is that many of us start our personal growth journey in our careers. It feels safer to change patterns there than in close relationships where the stakes feel higher. In my case, I found myself burning out in environments with toxic people who treated me poorly. My belief system—that I had to be the “good girl” and a team player—kept me enabling or tolerating that abuse. It’s been a seven-year journey of career shifts, life changes, and personal growth to get to where I can own my voice. At six or seven years old, I wouldn’t even order dessert at a fast-food restaurant because I was so scared to speak to people. Now, I’m able to share that journey openly.

High achievers often believe they must behave a certain way to be accepted, loved, or successful. That sounds like your journey too. I’m curious—your breaking moment was at your dad’s funeral, when you thought, “I’ve done all of this to make you happy, and it’s still not good enough. I choose me.” But before that moment, there were probably years of misalignment and pain. How did you baby step into finding your voice? Sometimes it feels easier to practice in work relationships before tackling family dynamics.

Amy Green Smith 12:28
Yeah, well, there are a couple of things you mentioned that warrant highlighting.

First, we often look to other relationships—not just intimate partnerships or family relationships, but also work relationships—to heal wounds from our past. For example, let’s take your situation: Suppose you have a colleague who reminds you of your sister. Every time she speaks up, you might feel this push to speak for yourself. You unconsciously look for people who embody healing opportunities for your past. This isn’t always childhood-specific. It could stem from a first marriage, college years, or something else. But because these patterns are ingrained as defense mechanisms in our subconscious, our mind registers them as safe. If a boss reminds you of a parent, for instance, you might work to gain their favor in a similar way. We also can’t talk about this without addressing people-pleasing, which is a behavioral tactic where you believe, “If I make sure everyone else is happy, then I can be happy.” Essentially, you’re putting your happiness on indefinite hold. This connects directly to self-worth. When we say, “Then I’ll be happy,” what we often mean is, “Then I’ll be worthy, then I’ll be valuable, then I’ll be enough.”

Most of the time, people-pleasing is a learned behavior. For instance, if you grew up with a volatile caregiver, you might have learned to walk on eggshells, make sure they were okay, and avoid rocking the boat. This ingrains a positive association: If I take care of them, I’ll slide under the radar, and my life will be easier. But then we take that behavior into adulthood—into marriages, workplaces, or parenting—because that’s what we know. People-pleasing becomes how we take care of ourselves. It’s also deeply tied to human biology. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, one of our primary needs is belonging. Our ancestors survived by being part of a group; there was no tribe of one. This need for belonging has carried into modern times, where we might think, “If I don’t get this job, this promotion, or this person’s approval, it’s the end of the world.” While that isn’t literally true, our subconscious triggers that survival instinct. People-pleasing becomes a defense mechanism.

Now, here’s what’s crucial: People-pleasing can be motivated by two very different drivers.

  1. Self-preservation: This is when you people-please because your survival feels genuinely at risk. For example, a woman of color in a hospital giving birth might be extra kind and agreeable to doctors and nurses, knowing there’s a real risk of receiving inadequate care.
  2. Outsourcing self-worth: This is when you people-please because you feel you need someone’s approval to be valuable. For instance, “I need my boss to like me, my in-laws to approve of me, or my partner to love me to feel worthy.”

It’s essential to ask yourself: Am I doing this from a place of self-preservation, or am I outsourcing my self-worth? That distinction is one of the first places to start.

Blake Schofield 18:07
That’s so good. What you just covered took me years to recognize. I didn’t realize how often I was being triggered by a lack of safety—whether it was leadership changes, poor business performance, or an unrelenting boss. I also spent years chasing achievement, believing the next accomplishment would make me happy. Both of those patterns are recipes for massive burnout. I’ve never seen a high performer who hasn’t hit this breaking point. They realize stress and anxiety are internal and tied to triggers or beliefs. Those who invest in themselves and learn to navigate these triggers often come out stronger. But others get stuck in learned helplessness, believing they’re powerless, which only leads to more stress and illness. When it comes to finding and sharing your voice, most people struggle—even those who appear confident or outspoken. They may still act from a place of trigger or a desire to be seen a certain way. One thing I’ve learned is to create space between an incident and my response. As a recovering people-pleaser, I spent years bypassing my own needs and focusing on making others happy. I thought, “If I make everyone else happy, everything will be fine.” But the truth is, you can’t heal or fix others. You’re only responsible for yourself. Taking time to understand your feelings and motivations can help you see circumstances more clearly. What’s your perspective on this? Does it align with what you’d suggest, or do you have other insights to layer into this approach?

Amy Green Smith 21:20
Yes, that aligns with a lot of what I teach, but I’d also add a few layers. Personal development work isn’t as tangible as, say, lifting weights or learning investment strategies. What we’re dealing with here is less visible—it’s internal and emotional. One question I love asking is: Am I in danger, or is this just new? Fear shows up in both scenarios. If it’s your first retreat, first speech, or first time dating after divorce, your inner critic will sound alarm bells. It’s important to discern: Is this a legitimate threat to my safety, or is it simply unfamiliar? Another helpful exercise is to examine what you chronically complain about and whom you’re complaining to. Often, we voice our grievances to people who can’t do anything about the problem. For example, if I’m upset with my sister but vent to my therapist, nothing changes. This is where we can start identifying situations where we need to speak up directly. Pay attention to patterns—issues or relationships where your silence might be costing you. Pay attention to patterns—issues or relationships where your silence might be costing you. For example, if there’s a person in your life who would be shocked to know how much their behavior bothers you, that’s usually a sign that you haven’t been vocal enough. Taking an inventory of these situations can help you identify where you need to start speaking up. Once you heighten your awareness, it becomes harder to ignore. I like to say your “bullshit tolerance” lowers. You realize, “I shouldn’t be spoken to like this” or “This behavior isn’t okay.” Another tool I use to help people navigate this is asking, “Am I actually in danger if I speak up, or is this just new?” For many of us, it’s simply the first time we’re addressing something in a particular relationship or dynamic.

Blake Schofield 25:48
That’s powerful. What you focus on expands. When you start to pay attention, it becomes clearer. One of the biggest places I see people get stuck is in blaming the other person. “It’s this person’s fault—they’re the problem.” It’s very human, and our society reinforces that behavior, but it’s a trap. When we make someone else responsible for our feelings, we lose control and abdicate responsibility for creating change. We paralyze ourselves. It’s taken me years to understand that all relationships are opportunities for healing. Often, the people who trigger us the most are teaching us our greatest lessons. If we can ask ourselves, “Why does this trigger me? What doesn’t feel aligned here?” we can use these moments as a gift. For those of us who grew up people-pleasing, it’s easy to feel like we need to explain everything. I know I used to feel that way—like I needed to justify my feelings with a mountain of evidence. Do you see that too?

Amy Green Smith 29:08
Absolutely. Most of the time, people-pleasing isn’t a conscious decision. We don’t wake up one day and say, “I’m going to make my life harder by prioritizing everyone else and destroying my self-worth.” It’s a coping mechanism we develop to feel safe and accepted. Here’s an example: I was out to breakfast with my best friend. She read the menu to me beforehand, but I wasn’t really paying attention. When we got there, I realized it was more of a lunch place, and I really wanted French toast. The easiest thing would’ve been to say, “Sure, this is fine,” and just eat there. But I’ve committed to not letting my silence make me a liar. So I told her, “I hate that I’m doing this, but I really wanted French toast. Is there any way we could go somewhere else?” She responded, “Thank you so much for telling me the truth.” Here’s the takeaway: People feel safer with you when they know where you stand. There’s a fallacy that if we stop people-pleasing, we’ll come across as selfish or mean. But that’s not true. The relationships you want—the ones built on trust—require honesty. This doesn’t mean you have to launch into a TED Talk every time you set a boundary. For example, if someone shows you an offensive meme, you don’t have to debate them. You can simply say, “Hey, I don’t find that funny. Please don’t share things like that with me.” Then change the subject. It’s about finding a middle ground between silence and confrontation.

Blake Schofield 36:29
That’s so valuable. I think a lot of people-pleasers develop the ability to read others and anticipate their needs, but they expect others to do the same for them. It’s not realistic. People-pleasers often struggle to ask for what they need. They think, “If they cared, they’d know.” But that’s not how relationships work. I’d love to hear your thoughts on how people can learn to effectively ask for what they need. What are some strategies for having these conversations so they’re heard?

Amy Green Smith 38:31
Great question. Let me share a few frameworks. First, I teach something I call the “boundary recipe.” It has three parts:

  1. State the circumstance: Clearly describe the situation.
  2. Share your interpretation: Explain how it landed for you. Own your perspective rather than accusing the other person. For example, “Here’s what I made up in my head when that happened.”
  3. Make your request: Offer a solution or ask for what you need.

For example, the client I mentioned earlier started by stating the issue clearly: “Here’s what’s happening.” Then she explained how it was affecting her: “Here’s what it feels like on my end.” Finally, she made her request: “Here’s what I’d like to see change.” Another powerful strategy is to ask for time to talk. This gives both you and the other person time to prepare. For example, you could say, “I’d like to chat about something. Do you have time this week?” If they ask what it’s about, give them a brief explanation, but don’t dive into the issue yet. This approach sets a respectful tone for the conversation. During the conversation, you can use vulnerability as an entry point. For instance, say, “I know I haven’t always been clear about how big of a deal this is for me, and that’s unfair to you. I appreciate you taking the time to listen.” Finally, try to avoid overusing the word “you.” Instead of saying, “You never respond to my emails,” say, “I’m not sure I saw your response.” It keeps the conversation less accusatory and more collaborative.

Blake Schofield 43:50
I love that—such good advice. I hope those of you listening will take some notes when you’re able and pick one thing to action from this episode. What’s one place where you’ve felt frustration or a lack of clarity? How can you take a step forward by giving someone the opportunity to hear your voice and meet you where you are? Amy, it’s been such a pleasure. I know we’re almost out of time, so before we wrap up, how can the audience find you? Is there anything else you’d like to share that we haven’t touched on yet?

Amy Green Smith 44:22
My corner of the internet is amygreensmith.com, and all of those names are spelled the basic, “nothing exciting” way. I’ve got tons of freebies over there—a huge podcast back catalog (I did a podcast for 11 years!), free hypnosis resources, workshops, and workbooks. So, please, come hang out. On social media, like any self-respecting Gen Xer, I mostly hang out on Instagram. You can find me at @HeyAmyGreenSmith there and across most platforms. As for parting thoughts, one thing I like to emphasize is this: You are responsible for your intention, not your reception. What I mean by that is this: How other people receive you is outside your control. Some might be apathetic. Others might think what you say is the best thing they’ve ever heard. And some might think you’re the devil incarnate. None of that is within your control. What you can control is your intention—who you’re being and how you’re showing up. When it comes to speaking up and setting boundaries, check in with yourself:

  • Am I proud of how I’m showing up?
  • Have I made my intention clear?

Most of the time, we communicate from a place of raw emotion, passion, or frustration—rather than with the goal of finding common ground or truly being heard. But if you can focus on your intention, you’ll feel more in control, regardless of how others react.

Blake Schofield 46:23
So powerful. Thank you so much, Amy.

Amy Green Smith 46:26
Thanks so much, Blake. I’ve had a blast.