Ryan Kopyar 0:04
Whether it’s in the home or whether it’s in the boardroom, vulnerability creates safety, where people feel okay to show up authentically as themselves. Just the real, true version of you, not the social media, you know, all glitz and glamour. So vulnerability creates safety. Safety helps to facilitate deeper levels of communication, true communication. That communication facilitates deeper levels of connection. Through deeper levels of connection come deeper levels of love. And now when we’ve got deeper levels of love, whether that’s platonic and a professional, I really care about you setting or whether it’s personal, intimate, romantic, family, now life starts to get real good.

Blake Schofield 0:53
Hi, I’m Blake Schofield, founder and CEO of The Bridge to Fulfillment®. Mom to three, USA Today Top 10 Professional Coach, and former corporate executive who got tired of sacrificing my life for a comfortable paycheck. My mission is to expand perspectives to achieve greater impact at home and work without sacrifice. This is The Bridge to Fulfillment®.

Blake Schofield 1:28
Welcome to another episode of The Bridge to Fulfillment®. Today I have guest expert Ryan Kopyar. He’s an internationally licensed counselor, credentialed as a professional counselor associate in Oregon and a licensed mental health counselor associated in Washington state, as well as a registered clinical counselor in British Columbia, Canada. Whoa, can you imagine trying to keep up with all of that on one business card. Ryan is a multiple time published author with books on vulnerability and communication, psychology and personal development. He’s also certified as a hypnotherapist, personal trainer, and sports nutritionist. I tell you what, this is a powerful episode, he and I went almost the entire time we had together. And what he shares in so many ways about his own personal journey, what he’s learned and how that has enabled him to take his lessons, take the pain and challenges he’s experienced in his life and turn that into power and purpose in his life is incredibly powerful. I encourage you to listen in and really use today’s episode to think about how you might be able to use these lessons to truly create more happiness, more joy, more true ownership and authentic living in your life.

Blake Schofield 2:46
Ryan, thank you so much for joining me today. And welcome to The Bridge to Fulfillment®.

Ryan Kopyar 2:51
Hey, Blake, it’s so great to be with you. I’m excited to have this conversation.

Blake Schofield 2:55
Me too, I can tell this is gonna be a good one. And it’s definitely a topic that we are both very passionate about. But before we dive into today’s topic, and really being able to help people understand how you can turn your pain into purpose and power. And what I’d love to do is be able to introduce you to the audience, or have you actually introduce yourself to the audience. Tell us a little bit about yourself, and how did you end up with a passion and you know, the purpose behind the work you do today?

Ryan Kopyar 3:22
Sure, well, maybe I can start a little bit in what it is that I do now and then backtrack into the story of how I got there. So I currently work. I’m credentialed as a mental health professional, but in my field, they’re very specific about how we identify themselves, although I say be a soul not a role. But I get in trouble with my licensing board if I don’t, if I’m not specific here, so not to bore the listeners in the viewers. But in the state of Oregon. I’m a professional counselor associate. In the state of Washington, I’m a licensed mental health counselor associate. And in the province of British Columbia, I’m a registered clinical counselor. So you can imagine that that makes a business card quite, quite complicated. But long story short, I help people as a counselor to work with them and sit in their pain and help them to turn their pain into purpose, and pain into power. And it was a personal journey for me of a lot of pain. And I think that pain is part of the human experience. And we all have it in our own way, shape and form.

Ryan Kopyar 4:27
When I was just about three years old on December 29, my mother who was eight months pregnant at the time with my sister Megan was closing up shop at a law office at which she worked. And there was a burglary at the time by a gentleman named Mr. Timothy Vail, who had come in to rob the law office. What he didn’t realize is that my mother had stayed late that night, and he breaks into the office. Kind of startled to see my mom there, hits her over the head, and then rapes and kills her with the scarf that she was wearing. And, you know, for my father that was a wife who never came home and a daughter who was never born. And for me that was a sister who never got to come into his life and mother who never came home. And you know, you can imagine for three, three year old little boy, right, almost three year old little boy, that’s confusing and scary and overwhelming. And so that was my story. That was the pain that I was exposed to very early on in my life. And I share that with the listeners and the viewers because I want them to know that, even if we’ve experienced a tremendous level of pain in our life, we can transmute it, we can shift it, we can give it a new meaning. We can’t change the pain, we can’t change the event. But we can change the meaning and the energy behind that event that we give it and use it to serve us.

Ryan Kopyar 6:05
And so there was a long journey for me of not acknowledging the pain, of numbing the pain with drugs and alcohol, of numbing the pain as a business professional in the fitness industry that just worked like crazy for external validation. And then after a very serious car accident and a series of kind of rock bottom moments in my life, I was reintroduced to counseling with a tremendous counselor when I was living in Jersey, his name is Billy Mercedes. And Billy really helped me as my counselor to get in touch with that pain that I had numbed and buried for so long. And then Billy said to me, man, Ryan, I see the way you help people at the gym. And I also think that you’d be a really good counselor. And what was ironic about that, or I believe divine about that is just a week earlier, I was getting this inclination in this calling, in this feeling, man, I think I should go back to school. So Billy says that to me, I’ve already kind of got the download. And you know, Billy makes a call to the dean at St. Peter’s University says I got, I got a live one for you. The next thing I know, I’m at St. Peter’s taking counseling classes, but it resonated with my soul. And so that’s the long answer to a short question of what leaves me here today.

Blake Schofield 7:24
Thank you. What a, what a beautiful story. And within it so much challenge, it’s what I think is always beautiful is that old adage, success leaves clues, right? That, well, we all have different paths, the proven principles always remain true. The things that we come to understand when you go the journey, I see that over and over again. I am a true believer that we are all here for a purpose. And everything we go through in our life is meant for us as a growth and a learning opportunity. And what a massive challenge to have started out so early with that level of pain. And I can only imagine what it was like because not only did you lose one parent, you really lost two that day. Because there’s no way your father could have been fully healthy or present to raise you with what he had to deal with at the same time. And through your own personal journey you came to own and work through and process that to help other people do that. You know, one of the principles I know to be true is what’s in part is also in whole. And so, you know, I didn’t know the depths of that story.

Blake Schofield 8:31
But you know, my mother’s father got very sick when she was a young child. In fact, they told him at the time that he needed to cut off his leg to save himself. And he chose not to, he didn’t want to be a burden to his two girls and his wife. He didn’t want them to have to carry around and invalid. And as a result of him making that choice, he got incredibly sick, ended up in the hospital for several years of my mother’s young life, ended up being put on morphine to manage the pain essentially had leukemia that right ravaged his body. And at 11 years old, my mom lost her dad. But for three years of suffering as a family, and I think she only got to see him maybe once or twice because children were not allowed in the hospital, and that my mother’s loss of her father has continued to impact the entirety of her life.

Blake Schofield 9:28
So I have a real appreciation for the challenge that you’ve been through, and often how easy it can be to be stuck in the abandonment or the loss or the anger or the event rather than trying to understand what can I learn from it? Or how can I benefit from it? Or how is it a gift to me in some way. And so I’m interested to hear your perspective. And of course, this is not a short journey that you’ve been through. But when you look at something as significant as the degree of trauma and loss that you’ve had, and we all have different trauma big T and little t, as I like to tell people. People like to go, oh, I had a good childhood, I don’t have any trauma. I’m like, all trauma is an experience where you didn’t know how to emotionally or energetically process something. And we’ve all had that at some point in time in our life. But yours is so significant and so early, and you know, then really created that trajectory for your life. Looking back on that, what do you think are the big key things that helped you begin to shift how you saw that experience?

Ryan Kopyar 10:31
Well, maybe we can take a half a step back, because you said something to me, which is the second time that somebody has said this to me. I’m 38 years old, and I’ve done a lot of work around the healing of the death of my mother and sister. And you said something there, that was the second time I’ve heard it, that my therapist said it to me on Saturday. So I just need to pause for a second because that was incredibly insightful. The, when, I didn’t realize this literally until just a few days ago, that there was a part of my dad that died when my mom died. And so I think that’s so insightful that you said that, and whether, you know, obviously, in a situation like for your mother, with her father, or in my situation, with my mother, and father, it’s so powerful that we can zoom out just a little bit and think about what was that experience like for me as a little kid? It’s so so powerful for us to ask that question of ourselves.

Ryan Kopyar 11:36
Hey, what did, what you know, how big T or little t, right? How did that affect little Blake, how did that affect little Ryan? Because, for me, I didn’t realize it until just recently that that little boy was feeling not enough. He was feeling confused. He was feeling as though maybe he needed to step up in some way to hold space for his father. So you can imagine that’s a lot of pressure to be put on a little three year old, right, or, you know, in the case of your mom, you know, a little 10 year old. And so I think the key part of the healing journey is to recognize in psychology, there’s a modality called internal family systems therapy. And basically what it means is that we will develop different parts of ourself based on these life experiences, as you said, and that these little parts of us little or big, these parts will come out at times, and they’re trying to protect us. But later on in life, we don’t need them to protect us in that same way. So the key part for me as it relates to the healing journey, or one of the key parts would be connect, that I would share with others, connect in with that version of you, that part of you, and say, how did that affect that part of me? And how can I log on and see and recognize that part of me and let that part of me know, Hey, it’s okay, we’re safe now.

Blake Schofield 13:01
What you just said is incredibly powerful. What I consistently see is, as a society, we don’t talk enough about our belief systems and our experiences, and how those literally are the drivers of all of our decisions until we get to a place where we actually come to understand these and understand that we have a choice. And we can change those, we can see them differently, we can give ourselves the things that we didn’t have. But what I really see and have come to understand is that fundamentally, as humans, we are driven from a survival standpoint. And so when you have experiences as a young child, where you feel unsafe, if you never actually deal with that, you spend your entire life making decisions from a place of feeling unsafe. And that yields a lot of really challenging decisions. And often, what I see is it leaves us to avoid dealing with problems or challenges in our lives, stay in circumstances that are really unhealthy for us or actually react to things in ways that actually create the opposite of what we want. Because we’re just completely unaware that we are operating from that place of feeling unsafe all of the time. And so I love hearing you say how can I go back and give myself the sense of safety that I didn’t have? How can I recognize that as a little child, I felt unsafe, but I actually was okay, I was safe, and that I don’t have to keep replaying that story every day.

Ryan Kopyar 14:31
Yeah, yeah. How deep can we go here? Because I want to add another piece to that.

Blake Schofield 14:36
Go right ahead.

Ryan Kopyar 14:37
Yeah. The other big part of this is the non serving behavior and communication patterns that that part of me will cause me to engage in to get my needs met. So powerful, right. We think that part of us will come up because it’s trying to protect us, because it’s trying to helps us to feel seen, heard, loved, cared about, believed in, connected to, and it can lead us to do so, and not so healthy ways. And not because that part of us wants to see us do bad because that part of us wants to be loved and seen and heard. And whether that’s an unhealthy relationship, a toxic relationship, like, for me, whether that was drugs and alcohol, oh, so you know, when I take this ecstasy pill, I can feel happy, and I can feel present and I can feel calm. Okay, it’s artificial. And it’s not healthy, obviously, for a variety of reasons. But that that part of me that was longing for love, and to just be present, and to just, let me just take a little break. It was that non serving part of me that was leading me to behave in that way. And so when we can identify that, integrate that part of ourselves and love that part of ourselves, and we can, then we can start to ask ourselves, okay, why is that the relationship that I want to be in? Do I want to be using? And by the way, it can be drugs, sex, food, shopping, right, pornography. It can show up, yeah, it can show up in a lot of different ways. And so it’s like, oh, wait, is, is that how I want to have my needs met? Oh, no, wait, it’s really not. And then we can start to change our behavior.

Blake Schofield 16:19
Often, I find, and I’m excited to dive into this with you, because I still think as a society, we have so many old paradigms about what is acceptable for men, and what’s acceptable for women.

Ryan Kopyar 16:30
Yeah.

Blake Schofield 16:31
And I think as a society as a man, it’s, it’s, it appears to me, certainly not one. But it appears to me in all the conversations, clients I’ve worked with that, as a man, it’s actually much more challenging because as a society, still, most men are raised to suck it up, don’t be a baby, move on. And I see those things is really toxic to the family structure, to relationships, to parenting, to all of that. Did you go through some of that paradigm yourself? And if so, you know, what are your thoughts around that? Because I think it requires a level of vulnerability and a level of courage. Like women, I think, by nature are expected to be more emotional and more vulnerable. And so we don’t have that same level of barrier, I think. Sometimes we have the barrier of well, you’re being emotional or making emotional decisions. But no, in fact, you’re actually listening to your intuition. We don’t by nature, at least conditionally have to overcome the point of like, you shouldn’t feel that or just suck it up or move on.

Ryan Kopyar 17:34
Yeah, yeah. Well, my new book that I just published, Big Boys Do Cry: A Man’s Guide to Navigating Emotions and Showing Up More Vulnerable in Relationships. That’s how I start the book. It’s a book about crying, and I say, I didn’t cry for almost 30 years. Right? So just throwing that out there that yeah, let’s break the stigma. So there’s a lot of research that shows that men can start to feel okay, we’re starting to break the stigma a little bit. But we still got a long ways to go, that, you know, as it relates to sports or other masculine related activities, men can start to give themselves more permission to cry and feel okay with it and not feel judged in those situations. But in what would be cultural or culturally stereotypical female related situations, men still don’t feel comfortable to cry. And guess what, those could be some really beautiful experiences, a baby shower or wedding, you know, a close relationship with somebody that you really love and care about within the family unit. I wouldn’t say that, you know, that’s not the NHL playoffs or NBA, you know, final NCAA Final Four, right, was a big, big difference there.

Ryan Kopyar 18:52
And so yeah, I started out the book saying, for 30 years, I almost didn’t cry. And I wrote the book, because I wanted to give men permission to allow themselves to cry, to get out of that left wing, you know, men are more left brain dominant, more logical problem solvers, fixers, and that’s beautiful. That’s the divine masculine, which is a very powerful energy. But many men think and I thought for a long time, that’s my powerhouse. That’s where I can be strongest. And then through my own counseling, and my own healing, I said, Wait a second, when I can get in touch with my emotions here, now I’m operating from both sides of my brain. Now I’m really powerful. Not powerful in exerting control over others, but powerful in my own sense of self. And that then helps the women in my life to feel more safe. And when they feel safe, right, then they can feel more that it’s okay to come out with their expressive kind of creative side.

Blake Schofield 19:52
Mm hmm. Yeah, I love that. That is also what I have really come to see as true if and I think from a society standpoint, when we deny who we are or how we feel there is no benefit to that. That is the beginning of some many of the challenges we have as a society. Whether it’s institutions, or that’s just the way that it is, or whatever this old conditioning is that we have. I think we’re at a place in our society, when you look at the mental health crisis, and you look at what’s happening with our children, and you look at what’s happening with our families, that it’s time to really start talking about that the things that we used to do no longer work, and they were never really healthy. It’s just, I think we’ve gotten to a place of more awareness around that. And importance in being able to fully process and heal.

Blake Schofield 20:46
It’s an interesting thing, right, AI, technology, where the world is going, the globalization of things, we can accomplish things from an automation standpoint, substantially faster than we ever have. Any of the mindless jobs that used to exist will no longer exist from at least a human doing the work. And you start to then say, Where are we going? And how do I build the skills to be successful from a career standpoint? And how do I build the things I need to have the life that I want. And when I look at it, from a macro economic standpoint, what I really see is that we’ve got to learn how to operate differently, that so much will be automated, but you can never automate the human experience and the human connection. And that to truly be successful in where we need to go. As a society, it’s about getting comfortable with uncertainty. It’s about emotional intelligence, it’s about being able to relate to and work with people, it’s about being able to see problems from new solutions, or new angles. And all of those things require, I think, a level of introspection and a level of self awareness that as a society, we haven’t really been taught previously. And it’s a huge part of my passion. And the work I do is to help people understand when you really understand yourself, you can understand others. And so I’m interested in your perspective, what do you see happening in the realm? And why do you feel like this is really important for people to learn vulnerability and using their experiences to benefit them?

Ryan Kopyar 22:20
Yeah, just to touch on your point as it, as it relates to the past, I think that, you know, I say this to men. Hey, when you were growing up, did your grandfather or your father ever come to you and say, Oh, my God, Johnny, I just had such a great cry, and let me tell you all about it. No, I certainly didn’t have that. I watched my papa cry a couple of times. And it was so beautiful and so inspiring. But I was young. And so I didn’t fully understand just how beautiful it was, and how vulnerable it was, although I think that I channel him in the way that I kind of live emotionally now. But without having been said that that was probably not the experience for many men. They were taught to live with this mask, I have to be the stoic, tough man, because that’s how my grandfather was. And that’s how my dad was. Except for now, I think we’re at the inflection point, where now it’s starting to be just a little bit different, because now some of the men that feel a little bit more comfortable to express their emotions and are getting more in touch with the, with the right side of their brain, they’re now starting to have kids and I have a lot of men that I work with that say, I don’t want to raise my kids the way I was raised.

Ryan Kopyar 23:35
And I think that that’s very powerful. And I think it’s a huge catalyst for making the shift. We’ve still got a long ways to go. But I think it’s a big catalyst for making the shift. And then here’s what happens personally, professionally, whether it’s in the home or whether it’s in the boardroom. Vulnerability, creates safety, where people feel okay to show up authentically as themselves, like, like, we were talking about off camera, you know, just the real, true version of you, not the social media, you know, all glitz and glamour. So, vulnerability creates safety, safety helps to facilitate deeper levels of communication, true communication, that communication facilitates deeper levels of connection, through deeper levels of connection come deeper levels of love. And now when we’ve got deeper levels of love, whether that’s platonic and a professional, I really care about you setting or whether it’s personal, intimate, romantic, family. Now life starts to get real good. And so I think that that’s the shift in the direction that it serves us to go as humanity.

Blake Schofield 24:40
I love that. You talked a little bit about family units, and I was looking at some statistics recently. 70% of divorces are initiated by women. And historically, when you look at it, interestingly enough, women end up far worse off after divorce than the men do financially, everything else. And I looked at that statistic, and I thought, Wow, that’s crazy 70%. And I have kind of watched the patterns. And what I see historically, is that women by nature tend to go on their own personal growth and healing journey first. And often, I think, really struggle with how to manage a relationship with a husband, who doesn’t want to communicate and is still using the old paradigms or conditioning of which they were raised. And as a result of that, I think we have a lot of places where our family units break down, because the men either don’t feel safe or aren’t, don’t know how to go through, or I don’t have enough examples of what that looks like.

Blake Schofield 25:46
And I kind of have, like I said, I’ve seen this over and over and over again. And so it’s sort of like, what happens is that the women work so hard to grow, the men there with avoided or don’t want to deal with it, and then eventually, right, the whole thing, it goes back to like that old Oprah quote, “First it comes in a whisper, than a knock, than a bang, then the whole damn thing comes down”. And I wonder, you know, what your experience or perspective has been? Do you see this situation where often divorce or breaking of the family unit is what really provides a door opening for men to actually begin to start to do their own healing journey? I guess this question one. And then my question two, is for you. What are your thoughts about if there are women listening to this podcast today, who are in relationships with men where they want to be able to have more vulnerable and honest conversations and grow in that way, and are unsure how to do that? What would your advice be?

Ryan Kopyar 26:43
Oh, those are two very good questions. And I think I’m probably going to ruffle some some feathers here with my responses to this. You know, there is so many different intricacies that go into relationships in divorce. So I don’t want to over generalize and say, Well, hey, this is, this is the exact thing that happens. But, and I’m probably going to upset some trigger some men here, okay. Toxic masculinity is in overt, and this is just my personal opinion, toxic masculinity, as it has been described, is an overt, unhealthy expression of the divine masculine. The divine masculine is structure, it is control, it is so important for that to be a complement to the creative side of the divine feminine. Because without it, right, we’re just painting all over the place, but we’re losing sight of the canvas. So it’s important. But if the if the man is not truly embodied in in a healthy way into that divine masculine, he’s going to turn it up. And he’s going to turn it up so much that it’s going to come as overbearing control for the woman.

Ryan Kopyar 27:57
And I think that that’s exactly what you’re talking about. The very often the women will begin to have that personal realization or go through that growth process. And it makes the man insecure. He will not say that, but it makes him insecure. And so what does he go to do? What do we go to do as human beings, we go to whatever it is that we were taught. That’s why I’m saying it’s so important. Little Johnny, never had grandpa teach him that it was okay to cry that it was okay to get in touch with his emotions. So what tools does he have in his toolbox? The stoic man has anger, fortitude, resilience, and this overt strength. So he goes to the tools that he knows, and not that those are bad tools. But if they’re not strategically used in the right way, and in harmony with the other tools, then that becomes too much.

Ryan Kopyar 28:50
And so then what happens is the woman, she has to now start to come into her divine masculine, right, to kind of press back against that. And now we got a whole bunch of friction, and the relationship is completely out of harmony. And it starts to lead to the decay and the deterioration of the relationship where both people feel bitter. And so that’s why I’m saying to the men, Hey, it’s okay guys, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to get into your heart, that woman in your life want that. And that actually helps them to feel more safe, and creates that dynamic where now deeper levels of connection can occur. But to the women out there, there is, there is nothing, enter the men, right? Relationships are each person giving their 100% to the 50% of the relationship between the two people. So no matter how much you love, you can never be sick enough to make somebody else well. You can never love somebody enough that doesn’t love themselves. So if there was those inner wounds, right, and I know I had them. I wasn’t healthy in relationships for a long period of time. And I’m still learning and healing and growing. But if they don’t, if we don’t do that own In your work, our spouse, and our partner can’t overcompensate for that.

Blake Schofield 30:05
What you said is so powerful, why we can’t love somebody enough for them to love themselves. And we can’t save someone who doesn’t want to save themselves. And I see this as a very consistent pattern over and over and over again. This belief that we’re responsible for taking care of the person that we love, or that we can fix it. And I think today’s conversation is so powerful, because I agree with you, I believe that you can’t have joy without pain. But I think often we are suffering. And we don’t even realize that we are creating our own suffering, through the stories and experiences that we’ve had, through holding on to the experiences that we’ve had, from a very negative standpoint, from feeling like those things have scarred us, burdened us, been unfair to us, whatever those things are. And the greatest gift that you can give yourself and everyone that you love is to love yourself. That is truly what I have seen, you know, if you look across the six major religions, the consistency that they speak to is self love.

Ryan Kopyar 31:10
Yes.

Blake Schofield 31:11
And I think often when we are unhappy or struggling, it’s really easy. And as a society, we conditioned people to believe that it’s somebody else’s fault. Or it’s the thing that happened to us, instead of being able to understand and truly take responsibility for all of our full experience. And, and how we are co-creating all of that all of the time. Every relationship is a co-creation, everything that is happening in your life you are creating from whatever those experiences are. But like I said, I think this concept is pretty new for a lot of people, even though there are many of us that have been out here teaching it and you know, with our torches, trying to help people know that like, you don’t need to suffer, life can be joyous, and happy, and fun, and all of the things. But I think people often get stuck when it’s like, well, how how do I do that? That’s not often hear like, how do you do that? So if I have had a difficult experience with my spouse, or with my boss, or with my parents, or my sister, how can I begin to look at that and change the narrative and take what has been pain and turn it into purpose and power? What would you suggest is like a simple place for somebody to start?

Ryan Kopyar 32:29
Be very mindful of what it is that you’re fighting for. Be very mindful of what it is that you’re fighting for. What are you fighting for a relationship that is truly unhealthy and toxic? And are you fighting for it for what reason? Are you fighting for it out of fear? Are you fighting for it because you’re afraid to be alone? Are you fighting for it because the relationship is in a difficult season right now? And yeah, you both need to really dig in and make it work. So that’s the biggest thing is what am I fighting for? And why am I fighting for it? We can often stay attached to that narrative for so long, even though it doesn’t serve us. It’s familiar. And at a subconscious, it gets so deeply programmed into our subconscious mind. Well, that’s just who I am. That’s just how things go for me, right? Why? Who says that?

Ryan Kopyar 33:26
You know, but, uh, for instance, I’ll be vulnerable and share a story. So after the car accident, which led me on my healing journey and got me into my master’s program, I was diagnosed with PTSD. And I believe that people have a diagnosis, I do not believe that people are their diagnosis. So I had this diagnosis. And I got some accommodations at my school where I was completing my master’s program. And I never used them until the very end of my master’s program. And there was a situation where I email my professor saying, “Hey, I’m sorry, my PTSD just really had me thrown off this weekend, I’m going to be 30 minutes late in submitting the assignment for the week.” And there was, that was well within the window of the accommodation. And I got my grade back, I don’t know what it was, a couple of days later. And I saw that I had points deducted for it being late. And that was so triggering to me, and so upsetting to me. And I went through this whole big, just long ordeal of trying to fight it.

Ryan Kopyar 34:31
And then it came to a point where I said, What am I fighting for here? I’m fighting for my PTSD. And I just went through all of that, going through all of this counseling, and all of this healing to try and get it to deal myself from the PTSD. And now here I am in the situation trying to fight for the PTSD. And so when I had that aha moment of what is it that I’m fighting for? It was like, Oh my gosh, I don’t want to be fighting for this. So it’s all of the listeners and the viewers out there, I invite you to ask yourself, what is it that I’m fighting for and where is that coming from? Because if I’m fighting for something that I know is not really serving me, it’s coming from a part of me that still is yet to be healed, that is still has yet to be integrated. So when I can identify that part and love and integrate that part, I’m going to figure out, okay, maybe this isn’t something I’m supposed to be fighting for. And if it is something I’m supposed to be working for, how can I do it in a healthier way, whether that’s advocating for myself professionally, with my supervisor, or within my relationships?

Blake Schofield 35:34
That’s so good. I love that so much. Because I think often we are so reactive to the emotion. And what I often tell people is, if you will slow down enough to stop, before you react to things, give yourself that little bit of window of space.

Ryan Kopyar 35:51
Yeah.

Blake Schofield 35:52
To ask like, why? What’s really going on? Why do I feel this way? What is it teaching me? Because I often say your emotions are a gift, they’re always a gift. It’s just most of us never learned how to process the quote, unquote, unhappy, like, as a society, we tell everyone, you should be happy. And then when people don’t feel happy all the time, they think something’s wrong. No, you actually are supposed to feel all the emotions and the anger serves a positive purpose when used to your benefit, and the sadness, and the grief. And all of that is all working for you. But if you don’t stop and ask what you’re fighting for, and why are you feeling the way you’re feeling, you never have the opportunity to actually learn the lesson.

Ryan Kopyar 36:31
Yes.

Blake Schofield 36:32
And then if you don’t learn the lesson, then it’s just this horrible, repetitive thing. Because what I often see is life it, life teaches you lessons, and you’ll keep getting the lesson until you get it.

Ryan Kopyar 36:42
That’s right.

Blake Schofield 36:43
Beautiful and challenging spiderweb. And that if you don’t zoom out, it looks like a problem with your boss, or it looks like you keep not getting that promotion, or it looks like you continue to end up with, you know, bad dates, whatever it might be. It’s the same exact thing. In all three of those circumstances, it’s the same belief system, it’s the same pattern. But most people are so unaware of that, that they actually are never solving the problem that’s presented to them. That’s actually the gift to heal. So I love when you said that, because that is exactly what I have seen and know to be true. And it’s like when you can give yourself the thing that you needed or understand the thing that’s standing in your way you can move forward, like, you know, I would say, you know, I recently went through a divorce myself this year, you know, and going through that process, I really had to recognize why did I stay for the length of time that I stayed. And for a big part of it. For me it was that I grew up. My parents divorced when I was young, it was extremely traumatic. And at seven years old, I decided I would never get a divorce. Like divorce was a terrible thing. And then my belief system was if you stayed married, then then that was like the ideal life for your kids.

Ryan Kopyar 37:57
Yeah.

Blake Schofield 37:59
And so you know, when it would really come down to all of this, it was like, I don’t want to hurt my children. I don’t want my children to experience what I experienced. And that was the driver for me for a really long time was like I don’t want my children to go through the pain that I went through. But I, because I had this idealistic, like seven year old perspective about if you’re married, then it must be healthy. I never actually realized, well, no, it’s actually maybe more unhealthy to stay in a, like a unhealthy marriage? And what are the lessons that your children are learning about what marriage looks like? And is that really the lesson that I want? Is this really the relationship I would choose for myself? If I could go back at 20-something years old? Is this the relationship I would choose for my children? I had to really process through what were those belief systems I had formed as a little child, what was the experience I was having today? What were the lessons being taught and what were really all of the realities of the choices?

Ryan Kopyar 39:00
Yes.

Blake Schofield 39:01
Really be able to go, Oh, my belief that divorce is bad and staying together is good. That was a very black and white perspective, that’s not actually true. My belief system that staying in this marriage is better for my kids then choosing, right, something separate when clearly we were in misalignment. And we were clearly happier, living two different lives, right. And that freedom was best for both of us. And to be able to show my kids that you can honor a relationship that you had and somebody that you’re with by allowing them to be their full self and you being your full self. But I had to go through the process of actually saying why am I staying? Why do I continue to try and make something work that’s not working. And if I hadn’t done what you’re doing, I wouldn’t have gotten to the places I needed to heal from my parents’ divorce that really hadn’t processed.

Ryan Kopyar 39:50
Yeah, yeah. I really appreciate your vulnerability to share that and I think the other big part of that, because I do some work with couples. I think the other big part of that is Self Love, right? Can I love myself enough to set that boundary, whatever that boundary may be, or however that may look. To me is society, boy, it can get really scary, it can get really convoluted, right? There can be guilt and shame around divorce or setting boundaries, or whatever the case may be, however that may look. But it’s really about self love. But there can be a lot of judgment from the outside of all well, why did you do that? Or why did you do this? Or oh, you should just accept that, right? Whether it’s from a spouse or a parent or, or whoever, right. And I think that that one of the biggest lessons that we can teach the youth of today is truly love yourself. And self love very often comes with setting boundaries. And I say that, in my work right now will come up. And I’ll say, I think we’re, I think the big B word is coming up here. And it takes a little bit of time, until they start to work with me to understand, Oh, it’s that word, we keep circling back to. Boundaries.

Blake Schofield 41:07
Yeah, I think that’s beautiful. And that, for me was certainly, you know, a big piece of my lesson I had gotten into a program actually about two years ago. And one of the things we did was journal every day. And I loved the process so much, I think I had like 400 some odd pages, within six months. I had a lot, I had a lot to process. And one of the very first things that came to me was, I choose me, and then choosing me, I choose everyone else. And the power behind that phrase, as you know, just repeated over and over again, as I’ve gone through my life as I’ve helped my clients. And I think as a society, we tell people, it’s selfish to choose themselves. And we tell people that it’s great to be a martyr, and sacrifice, especially if you’re a mom. You should sacrifice your whole life for your kids. And then I see these people living miserable lives and then blaming their children, for why they’re miserable. And I think is that really fair to your kid, that you have now made them the reason that you are unhappy. And I think that there’s something really, we need to challenge as a society when we say, it’s better to stay in circumstances where you are in unhealthy circumstances, having things happen to you that are not, not good for you. And that you should do that. There’s something really, really broken and wrong about that.

Blake Schofield 42:32
And I think in my journey, that’s really what I came to understand was, when I chose myself, when I loved myself, when I aligned with my values. When I stopped acquiescing or putting other people’s needs ahead of mine, then I became far more capable, to actually help the people I truly love and want to support in the world. And I think it’s inverted from what we normally think. We normally think we should give to everyone first and then take last. But the reality is, if you give to yourself first, you will have so much more for those people that are around you. And I think ultimately, what you’re saying is the lesson that I, you know, hope to teach my children and teach those that are around me, because it took me a long time to see that taking care of myself first was actually the most selfless thing I could do. That choosing me and choosing boundaries and choosing to put my time, energy, and effort in alignment with what was how I authentically am and what I believe in, was the most powerful thing I could do. Because at the end of the day, if you don’t really love yourself, that is the heart of all of the challenges, you’ll see them externally. You’ll think it’s everyone else in every other circumstance, but it’s not. It’s the opportunity to heal and love yourself.

Ryan Kopyar 43:45
Yes, yeah. And I would just add to that, the most important relationship that you will have with anyone in this world is the relationship that you have with yourself. So if that one’s not right, it makes all the other ones that more challenging to navigate. So I think what you said was beautiful, and spot on.

Blake Schofield 44:04
Thank you, I have one more thing, and then I’m gonna turn it to you because our time is almost up, we’ve been on a good roll. You know, one of the things we talked about is vulnerability and the power of vulnerability and creating safety. I think one of the biggest reasons I see people not be vulnerable is fear of how someone is going to respond. And I think this is a beautiful thing that dovetails back with self love and boundaries. Because when you don’t feel safe to be vulnerable, or you don’t share things because you are afraid of what someone else’s response is. What that really is, is you acquiescing your own needs, your own voice, and your own things, in order to keep the peace or in order to stay in circumstances that aren’t healthy. Or you’re projecting out something that might not even be reality, but you won’t know until you do it.

Ryan Kopyar 44:48
Yeah.

Blake Schofield 44:49
And I think for those who find themselves not using their voice and not saying what they want to say and I have a lot of clients that, you know, have gone through this because they were the good kids. The good child. That true freedom starts and actually speaking your voice because you really understand who is truly for you and who is not for you. And you stop staying in circumstances, jobs, environments, relationships, that were never really healthy, are never really for you. Because it was just sort of a facade because you were going along, but never really fully invested, or that other person or that environment or that boss, it was never a full alignment and investment because it was never based on truth.

Ryan Kopyar 45:33
Yes, yes. Yeah. I mean, there’s a lot of different directions that we can go from that. Do you ever see that movie eight mile with Eminem, right. And so there’s this rap scene where he goes all Eminem goes all in saying all the bad things about himself. And then when a kick, kick gets kicked over to the other guy, he doesn’t have anything to say, right. And I remember after my arrest in 2013, I was so afraid to be vulnerable about that. It did have a major impact in my professional career in the fitness industry. And it was very hard for me to reintegrate in and I don’t think I ever fully reintegrated into the same level of success I had prior to being arrested. I remember going on job interviews for like an entry level fitness membership salesperson. And I just remember being so nervous and afraid. And I remember getting rejected on some of those interviews. Sometimes not even getting the opportunity to sit down for the interviews. And I’m like, this freakin’ sucks. And I don’t want to keep living my life this way. And I know that I have the talents and ability, but two things. I’m thinking that my past disqualifies me. And I’m also trying to hide it.

Ryan Kopyar 46:49
My life completely started to shift when I said, Hey, here’s some of the difficult things that I’ve been through in my life. And here’s how I have grown from them. You see, now they couldn’t say anything to me about my arrest. And I was able to reframe it in a proactive way where they’re like, Wow, this guy had the had the courage to come out and say that, and he showed us all the different ways that he grew. Now that just disarmed them from being able to say anything about, about the arrest in any kind of negative way, because I brought it up on my terms. Now, they don’t say that in a manipulative way. I say that in an empowering way. So to anybody out there that feels like oh, I don’t know, I can’t be vulnerable. And I think that there’s a way that you approach it that is in resonance with you. That’s not manipulative. But that’s just yeah, this is me. I made some mistakes, I’m human. But here’s how I grew from it. Here’s what I learned from it. I think that that is is super, super powerful.

Ryan Kopyar 47:46
And then the other aspect of it is all of my struggle with drugs and alcohol, all of my struggles with the death of my mom and unborn sister, all of those things, okay. That is actually what qualifies me mentally, emotionally, in some ways, physically, and definitely spiritually. That’s what qualifies me to be able to serve those other people in their pain. Because there’s a connection on the pain, not the experience, the experience is different from human to human. But there’s a connection in that pain. And so I can sit with them and their pain, because I’m not afraid of it. I sat with my own. And so I can sit with them in it. And I can give them hope to say, Wow, if this bald guy can do it, then I, then it gives me some hope that I can do it. Right, like look where he was, but now look where he is. And so it gives him hope, not in a egotistical, let me tell you about myself kind of way. But in a truly humble, you know, humble but confident, vulnerable way. People start to say, oh, okay, maybe I can start to give myself permission to let this person know what some of my struggles were. And again, that’s how it leads to deeper levels of communication and connection.

Blake Schofield 49:01
Yeah, I love that, right. The truth really, truly does set you free. And when you own all of the parts and all of the experiences that you have, and you use those for your benefit, life changes and in like beautiful, amazing ways. And so when we talk about, you know, the importance of vulnerability and using your, your past and your experiences to drive you forward, I think ultimately, that’s the, maybe the thread that ties it all together. And the beauty of it is the ownership of all of you and loving all of you and all of the experiences you’ve had. Because when you can do that, that’s truly where the power is, and then you get to construct the future that you want to have.

Ryan Kopyar 49:43
Yeah, yeah.

Blake Schofield 49:45
Thank you, Ryan. This has been such a good interview. So I will wrap it up with you with my very last question. Is there anything that I haven’t asked you that I should have, or anything that’s on your heart that you want to share with the audience before we finish up?

Ryan Kopyar 49:57
I think you asked a lot of great questions. So I can’t think of any other questions. I would say this, I want to extend an invitation to everybody out there today to go back to that moment of which they feel most embarrassed or most shame or the most guilt or the most pain. I want to invite you to go back to that version of you, however young or old, whether it was a day ago, a week ago, or you know, whether it was in your childhood, and think about what did that version of me need to hear, to feel loved, seen, heard, cared about, believed in, and connected to? When I invite you to go to a quiet place when no one else is around, find, find five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, and connect into that emotional experience, connect into that part of yourself, and to love on that part of you. And just just see how that feels to do. I promise you, it’s gonna feel good. It there’s a, there’s a process to it, right? That’s emotional. But ultimately, it’s going to help to give you this internal sense of peace. And maybe, just maybe, if you give yourself the opportunity to do it once, they’ll start to say, hey, this feels good. And maybe I want to start giving myself that gift more often.

Blake Schofield 51:13
I love it. I love it. I, we will put some stuff in the show notes about your book. But would you mind one more time saying the name of your book and where the readers can find it if they’d like to read more about it?

Ryan Kopyar 51:23
Sure. Yeah, Big Boys Do Cry: A Man’s Guide to Navigating Emotions and Showing Up More Vulnerable in Relationships. And the auto biography kind of self help more geared book, which I also was sharing some insights from is called Unlock the Power of Your Mind that was published in 2019. You can buy those on Amazon or on my website, Ryan, you know, www.RyanKopyarHolisticHealing.com.

Blake Schofield 51:50
Wonderful. Thank you so much, Ryan. It’s been such a pleasure today.

Ryan Kopyar 51:54
Yeah, I really enjoyed the conversation, like, thank you.