The Truth About Procrastination: What Your Resistance Is Really Telling You with Guest Expert Elyssa Smith

Ep: 263

Are you a people pleaser with a high tolerance for handling what life throws at you? Do you pride yourself on your deep empathy for others, often procrastinating on what’s important to you?

If perfectionism and procrastination feel like inescapable parts of your life, then life is trying to tell you something. Procrastination isn’t a flaw. It is a signal that’s urging you to dig deeper into your underlying fears, recognize what’s misaligned, and identify what doesn’t feel safe.

Today on The Bridge to FulfillmentⓇ, Blake welcomes Elyssa Smith, a trauma-informed life strategist who helps people understand the brain science behind self-sabotage. She’s the founder of Your Best Moment and creator of the Ultimate Self-Regulation Method. Her work empowers women to overcome self-sabotage and trauma and break free from procrastination, people-pleasing, and overwhelm.

In this episode, you’ll learn how trauma from our past influences behaviors like procrastination and perfectionism. You’ll begin to understand the two types of pain, identifying the kind that strengthens versus the kind that injures, and why knowing which is which is critical for growth. You’ll gain a fresh perspective on why you might be feeling stuck and how you can finally break free by addressing what feels unsafe.

If you’re a high achiever who often pushes yourself into burnout, these actionable strategies will help you shift from survival mode to a place of thriving.

What You’ll Learn:

  • Identifying when people pleasing is helpful versus harmful (8:11)
  • The build-up of ‘shoulds’ that keep us stuck (15:03)
  • Pain and our fear of failure (25:32)
  • Big and ‘Tiny T’ traumas that influence our patterns in life (35:25)
  • Working through procrastination (43:13)


Favorite Quotes:

  1. “I think often we’ve been rewarded for focusing on everyone else, and in some cases, made to believe that it’s selfish to take care of yourself.” –Blake
  2. “Helping that’s harmful is helping that is at your expense. There’s something to be said for sacrificing for other people, but if it’s a lifestyle, that’s where you get into burnout. That’s where you get into resentment.” –Elyssa Smith
  3. “The vast majority of our stress, anxiety, and our problems are not circumstantial. It’s not the toxic boss or the environment. It’s whatever belief systems, patterns, etc, that we are dealing with that are creating that anxiety.” –Blake
  4. “We have this special switch that we can turn on or off that’s like, ‘I will tolerate more than is reasonable for no good reason’. So I had to find that switch, and I had to turn it off and say, No, babe, we don’t need to do that.”  –Elyssa Smith
  5. “The path of gentleness is sort of paved with a fear of failure. And the fear of failure is what the pain of strengthening looks like.”  –Elyssa Smith
  6. “If those are your answers, work harder, be better, do more, you know that that is the pain that injures. If the kind of hard work you have to do is face your fears, that’s the pain that causes resilience.”  –Elyssa Smith


Connect with Elyssa Smith:

www.facebook.com/elyssacsmith
www.instagram.com/elyssacsmith
www.linkedin.com/in/elyssasmith
The Stress Less Lounge FB group: https://elyssasmith.com/facebook

Transcript

Elyssa Smith 0:03
Those of us who are high achievers, we have this special, like, switch that we can turn on or off that’s like, “I will tolerate more than is reasonable for no good reason.” So I had to find that switch, and I had to turn it off and say, “No, babe, we don’t need to do that.” You just get to live a life that draws you and inspires you. And I used to think, “Oh gosh, what if I’m lazy? What if I’m not the hardest worker in the room—who am I?” And it’s like, well, have you met you? You’re not gonna be lazy. Like, that’s not part of your fabric. You enjoy working. You enjoy, you know, doing hard things. Let’s ratchet that back to only the hard things that are good for you.

Blake Schofield 0:53
Hi, I’m Blake Schofield, founder and CEO of The Bridge to Fulfillment. Mom to three, USA Today top 10 professional coach, and former corporate executive who got tired of sacrificing my life for a comfortable paycheck. My mission is to expand perspectives to achieve greater impact at home and work without sacrifice. This is The Bridge to Fulfillment.

I’m really excited about today’s guest expert, who’s going to share her journey and story with you. Her name is Elyssa Smith, and she’s a trauma-informed life strategist who delivers high-energy and engaging keynote presentations that challenge audiences to shift their thinking from cycles of self-sabotage to ultimate peace and maximum productivity.

As the founder of Your Best Moment and creator of the Ultimate Self-Regulation Method, Elyssa empowers women to overcome self-sabotage and trauma, enabling them to break free from procrastination, people-pleasing, and overwhelm. Elyssa was recently featured on the TEDx stage for her talk, “Why You Procrastinate and How to Stop It for Good.” She’s also been regularly featured on Fox 59 Morning News and as a speaker at mastermind retreats and conferences for her expertise on stress management. Her work has been featured in Forbes and Thrive Global.

I loved the energy Elyssa brought to this conversation. We covered so many topics, including procrastination, perfectionism, and the things that stop high achievers from actually living truly fulfilling lives with impact. I’m so excited for you to learn not just from her journey and perspective but also to get real, simple, easy, and practical tools to apply to your life today. So without further ado, please welcome Elyssa to The Bridge to Fulfillment.

Alright, Elyssa, welcome to The Bridge to Fulfillment. I’m so excited to have this conversation with you today.

Elyssa Smith 3:01
Thank you so much for having me. I’m really excited to speak with you.

Blake Schofield 3:05
Me too! I already feel like there’s such good energy here. Obviously, the audience never knows what happens in the moments before we start, but I think both of us were like, “Okay, let’s just start recording!”

Elyssa Smith 3:14
Dive in quick, get the gems recorded!

Blake Schofield 3:20
So, I’m going to let you kind of start and kick it off with our audience. Can you share a little bit about yourself, your background, and how you ended up in this work? Because the topic we’re going to talk about today is really powerful. So I encourage everyone listening to make sure you have the time and focus to absorb what we’re going to share.

Elyssa Smith 3:39
Absolutely. So the way that I got to where I am is, very much like most of us, rooted in my own journey—what the hardships were and how they shaped me, and the decisions I made based on factors that I didn’t even realize were influencing me.

Essentially, I started off as a good old homegrown Indiana farm girl. My job was to make everyone else happy. I went through school as the straight-A student, kind of the “hero child” in the family. I didn’t know there was a problem with any of that until I hit this abrupt stop with anxiety and depression right after college. I had this sense when I was living on my own like I didn’t know who I was.

That started me into therapy and into trying to understand self-development and self-improvement. I had beliefs about myself that were influencing the people I chose to spend time with, the jobs I chose, and the toxic atmospheres I seemed to thrive in. I spent my life knowing what you and everyone else around me needed to be happy so that I could have my needs met. And, as most of us who’ve done self-healing work know, it doesn’t really work like that.

Fast forward a few years, I found myself in a toxic relationship with a newborn baby. I went through trauma during the birth process, and I found myself hiding in all my self-sabotage. That was when I decided to study it and became a life coach about 10 years ago. I realized if I could find my way out, I could help others find their way out of coping mechanisms, trauma, and sabotage. And in a nutshell, that’s how I got to doing what I do today.

Blake Schofield 5:55
So good. There are so many places I want to go, and I’m going to try to go backward and then come back. Won’t miss any of the good stuff. You describing your childhood really hits home for me and probably for a lot of the people listening.

Like you, I was always the one trying to make sure everyone in my family got along, and I spent a lot of time taking care of people. And I think those of us who value relationships and helping people often don’t see the level of challenge we have in our own lives because our entire focus is on everyone else.

I think often we’ve been rewarded for focusing on everyone else, and in some cases, made to believe that it’s selfish to take care of ourselves. I think it’s really interesting to hear your journey—it’s one I went on myself. I began to see the layers and layers where I abdicated my needs or wants for everyone else without even understanding it because I just thought that was what made me a good person. That’s just the way it was.

I also think those of us who focus so much on making other people happy, to your point, are often taking responsibility for others’ feelings or journeys. And often, the people around us don’t want to take responsibility for their own journey. I had to learn that you can’t save anyone who doesn’t want to save themselves, and you can’t help anyone who doesn’t want to help themselves.

I know we’re going to dive deeper into procrastination and self-sabotage, but I think this is important because, for me, and for many of my clients, they think this behavior is integral to who they are, how they function in the world, and why they’re a good person. It’s hard to see that compassion and empathy, the desire to help people, can actually be taken to an extreme where it becomes harmful.

So, I’m interested to hear your perspective on how you came to that conclusion yourself. How would you share that with someone who’s spending so much time helping others that it’s a huge part of how they see themselves but who might be going through cycles of burnout, exhaustion, or procrastination and not as fulfilled as they want to be?

Elyssa Smith 8:08
Such a great question, and I relate to everything you said. It really comes down to the gray area. Here’s the thing—I wanted to operate in black and white. I wanted all or nothing. That comes with some of those childhood coping mechanisms of keeping everyone else happy: it’s either good or bad. You’re either helping, or you’re selfish.

Really, it’s about embracing the gray area. The gray area can be defined by the difference between harmful helping and helping that is an extension of you being an empath or someone who cares about serving others. I love serving other people, and I am an empath. I get the impression you are too from hearing you speak and share on your podcast.

It can be a superpower in that we can tell how people are feeling, we can relate, we can validate. But it can also be a crippling thing if we allow it to squash our own feelings or needs. Helping that’s harmful is helping at your expense. There’s something to be said for sacrificing for other people, but if it’s a lifestyle, that’s where you get into burnout, that’s where you get into resentment. That’s where you get into pushing down your needs to make someone else happy— which, by the way, I learned isn’t even possible! I was so upset when I figured that out.

What I work with my clients on is building self-awareness about what you need. You might be surprised at the number of adults, both men and women, who grow up without being aware of their own needs because they’ve been so focused on survival. I had to figure out, for the first time as an adult, what my favorite color was. Like, do I actually love Winnie the Pooh? And it turns out I do! But are these things I thought were me actually just things I adopted to please others, or is this who I truly am?

We can serve without losing our identity or sacrificing our own needs. That’s the beautiful gray area we can find.

Blake Schofield 10:31
I love that so much. And I agree with you—one of the biggest things I see in people being unfulfilled in their lives and careers is that they’ve just been going through the motions of what they thought they needed to do to be successful. I often say my clients, three to four weeks into The Bridge to Fulfillment, feel like completely different people, even in the same circumstances.

That’s because the vast majority of our stress, anxiety, and problems are not circumstantial. It’s not the toxic boss or the environment. It’s the belief systems, patterns, and thought processes we are dealing with that create anxiety. And I love that you saw that so early.

For me, I had a really high tolerance for pain, suffering, and hard work. And so as a result, I kept pushing myself into burnout.

Elyssa Smith 11:24
Two hands, two feet in the air! Everybody, are you with us?

Blake Schofield 11:27
Exactly! I think that as high achievers, we’re often told that’s what it takes. So I believed that was why I was successful—because I was willing to work harder than anyone else. I just had no tolerance for people who didn’t see the world that way.

Your brain will only see what it feels safe to see. I remember early in my career, my boss said, “Blake, you’re an A player, but not everyone is. There are also B and C players, and you need to be okay with that.” And I was like, “No, why would I be okay with that? Everyone should be an A player.” I saw my way of functioning as the best way to function without understanding that, while it produced achievement, it was incredibly unhealthy for me.

Looking back at my 18 years in corporate retail, the journey of becoming a leader and understanding who I was and what I valued was also a journey of realizing where my life and career were misaligned with who I truly was. I see that journey for a lot of high achievers, and I often see them never getting out of the cycle.

When you started, you said you found my journey interesting, and I appreciate that. Often, we don’t fully appreciate our own journeys because it’s just who we are. But I would say that the person I am today compared to eight years ago is drastically different. I no longer believe 90% of what I used to believe. I replaced those beliefs with healthier ones. I know that’s highly unusual, but it’s possible for all of us. That’s why I bring on experts like you, and why I share my journey and have my clients share theirs—because we often think the way we’re living is the way everyone lives. We often think in black-and-white terms.

It sounds like for you, that “no longer serving me” perspective came at least twice in big ways, right? Early in your career and then when you had a baby. Those are pretty typical milestones for people. I’m interested in hearing more about that time after you had your baby. You mentioned how you were struggling and how that was the catalyst for you figuring out self-sabotage, perfectionism, and procrastination. What were you actually experiencing? Because most of us don’t even realize what’s working against us until we hear someone else describe it and go, “Oh, that’s me.”

Elyssa Smith 14:53
I appreciate that question so much. Going back to the high tolerance for pain—if you learned as a child that survival meant tolerating pain, that coping mechanism can stay with you. There’s brain science behind that, and I now know it. Ten years ago, I didn’t know the brain science, and I hadn’t heard about trauma in a way that I thought applied to me.

I thought I had an idyllic childhood. My parents are still together, and for some reason, I thought that if your parents are still together, then that’s the magic key. You didn’t have any problems. But I didn’t realize that dysfunction could still exist in non-violent ways.

What I realized, in hindsight, is that I was enduring emotional and physical pain—like a toxic relationship, medical trauma after giving birth to my son, and living in a new place where I had to learn the subways with a baby on my back. I was physically in pain, emotionally in pain, and I thought I should be able to handle it all.

That was the mentality I learned from a dysfunctional childhood. There’s no one among us who didn’t experience some form of dysfunction, but I thought I was the exception. So, when I was spoken to in abusive ways or treated poorly at work, I thought, “This is just what life is. Marriage is hard. Work is hard. Having a baby is hard, and you just have to deal with it.”

But I remember sitting on the floor next to my son, who was maybe four or five months old, and thinking, “It feels so dark.” For me, faith is a big part of my life, but I thought, “I feel so dark that it feels like God can see me and doesn’t care.” That was my rock bottom. I knew I wasn’t going to end things for myself, but I didn’t know what was going to happen.

So I decided, if I find a way out, I’m going to make a map for other people. I won’t waste any of this pain. And as I started to leave that toxic relationship and figure out if there was a life where I didn’t have to endure all this pain, I realized I could build something different. That’s when I turned off that “I will tolerate more than is reasonable for no good reason” switch. I started saying, “No, babe, you don’t need to do that. You get to live a life that draws you and inspires you.”

I used to think, “What if I’m lazy? What if I’m not the hardest worker in the room—who am I?” But I realized, “Well, I know myself. I enjoy working. I enjoy doing hard things. So let’s save the hard things for what’s good for me.”

One sidebar: I love the perspective that there are two kinds of pain. There’s pain that causes injury and damage, and then there’s pain that strengthens you. This is true in sports, emotionally, in relationships—everywhere. The pain that injures you is the kind we should steer clear of. The pain that strengthens you is like sore muscles that grow back stronger or relationships that repair and become unstoppable.

Knowing the difference between the pain that injures and the pain that strengthens has been everything for me as a high achiever. Because the question isn’t, “Can we tolerate pain?” The question is, “Can we tell the difference between the pain that strengthens us and the pain that damages us?”

Blake Schofield 20:08
That’s so good. One of the biggest challenges that keeps people stuck is, like you said earlier, the belief that, “There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m the one who didn’t have trauma.” Trauma is misunderstood in our society. There’s big T trauma and little T trauma. We’re starting to have more conversations about this, which is wonderful because people can heal, grow, and create better lives.

Technology has also advanced so much that we have the space and time to live more joyous lives. But there’s still this piece where we need to acknowledge the challenges we went through that we didn’t have the skills to process. That’s where the difference between pain that injures and pain that helps us grow comes in.

High achievers are often used to pain, and we live in a society that glorifies hustle, grind, and all the things that make us think pain is necessary to be successful. But I’ve seen so many public entrepreneurs who talk about hustle and grind, and their lives are a mess behind the scenes.

Elyssa Smith 22:03
Yes! You’re making good money, but your spouse hates you!

Blake Schofield 22:07
Exactly. You’re depleted energetically, spiritually, and personally. You’ve sacrificed everything for money or the appearance of success.

For me, I didn’t understand until maybe the last year and a half that I was constantly choosing the pain that injures because I thought that was normal. Often, we assume every environment is like that. We assume that marriage, relationships, and work are supposed to feel like this. This is as good as it gets, we think. But it’s when you step outside of your bubble that you realize you can choose differently.

We’ve just been sitting in pain for so long that it becomes normalized. But when you start choosing the pain that strengthens you, it’s a beautiful process of growth.

I also see people avoiding hard things, thinking that growth should always feel good. But the people who create fulfillment, joy, and happiness had to walk through something hard to get to the other side. So there’s this interesting dynamic where people stay in situations where they’re accepting the pain that injures, but they avoid the pain that strengthens. It’s like they’re fearful of doing the hard thing now for an easier later.

I’d love to hear more about the connection between procrastination and this kind of pain. How do you help people understand the difference between the pain that strengthens and the pain that injures, and how do you help them work through procrastination?

Elyssa Smith 25:32
Absolutely! The path of gentleness is paved with a fear of failure, and the fear of failure is what the pain of strengthening looks like. We have to have failure as an option and risk something in order to grow. When you’re faced with familiar choices, like, “Should I work harder at this thing I know, or should I take a leap into something new?” the fear of failure can be paralyzing.

What I’ve found is that none of the amazing things in my life—speaking engagements, building a team, doing what I love—would’ve happened if I hadn’t sat in a Target store one day, trying to figure out how big of a suitcase I needed to pack in order to leave my relationship. It was terrifying. I felt like I’d failed, and I thought, “Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I should try again.” But I had already tried. I had done everything, and it was time for a change.

When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change, we can face the unknown and move toward what our soul is calling for. But it requires stillness—finding that part of ourselves that’s fierce enough to embrace the unknown and face the fear of failure. If your answers are always, “Work harder, do more,” you know that’s the pain that injures. The hard work of facing your fears, however, is the pain that strengthens.

Blake Schofield 28:56
That’s so powerful. I used to work 60-70 hours a week in corporate. Now, I work 15-20 hours a week in my business, and I’m so much more fulfilled. I have more balance, a bigger impact, and it’s because I’m aligned with what I value. I’ve stopped chasing more things and stopped believing that working harder is necessary. It’s such a common trap for high achievers to think, “If I just keep working harder, the problem will solve itself.”

For years, I did that in my career and in my past marriage. I believed I could figure out how to make things work. I doubted myself, thinking, “If I can just work harder, I can fix this problem.” But many times, the problem wasn’t something to fix. I needed to exit those situations.

When I started getting help from someone who could look at things with an outside perspective, everything changed. It saved me months, years, even decades of frustration. I could finally see the gaps in my belief systems and the things that were actually creating pain or unhappiness in my life.

That’s why, if you’re at a crossroads, the best thing you can do is get someone impartial to help you. It’s like a shortcut to a life that’s far more fulfilling, peaceful, and joyful.

Elyssa Smith 32:58
It really is. I used to say, “I can take it.” I was in relationships where the other person couldn’t handle hardship, but I could, so I always got the short end of the stick. I told myself, “I’m strong, I can do this.” But if you find yourself saying that and you’re still unhappy, that’s a sign something needs to change.

I was on a client call the other day, and she mentioned her relationship. I said, “It sounds like there’s a power differential here.” She had been depressed for three days, and we were trying to scale her business. She was so focused on what she could handle, but it was at the expense of her happiness. Just because you can take it doesn’t mean you should.

Blake Schofield 34:18
So powerful. When you’re a high achiever with high capability, and you stop giving your energy to circumstances or people that drain you, amazing things happen.

This dovetails into productivity and growth. Procrastination is a commonly discussed challenge, and I’m interested to hear your perspective on it. How does someone understand what procrastination is telling them and what to do about it?

Elyssa Smith 35:12
Such a good question! I recently did a TEDx talk specifically about how to stop procrastinating. Most people don’t know that there’s brain science behind procrastination. Just like big T and little T trauma, I needed a way to talk to people about a more hidden type of trauma, so I coined it “tiny T trauma.”

Big T trauma is the big, violent, disturbing things—attacks, war, violence, etc. Little T trauma is smaller, non-violent but still significant disturbances like bullying or unmet needs.

Tiny T trauma is even more hidden. It’s things you normalized as a child, like parents never taking a break or being criticized for not working hard enough. Tiny T trauma overwhelms the senses, especially in childhood, and it leads to brain patterns that make you a procrastinator, perfectionist, or people-pleaser.

As adults, those coping mechanisms kick in when your brain feels unsafe. Procrastination is not a flaw; it’s a survival response. It’s your brain saying, “I feel unsafe.”

There’s no such thing as a procrastinator personality. It’s a coping mechanism. People who call themselves procrastinators often say they do their best work under pressure, but that’s survival mode. Your brain is operating in survival mode, which means you’re not doing your best work. We’ve never seen your best work because it only comes out when you’re in a safe, calm state.

So, procrastination is a sign your brain feels unsafe. You have to unravel the root causes to get free from it. I’ve seen so many people who consider themselves high achievers get free from procrastination by addressing their underlying trauma and survival mechanisms.

Blake Schofield 39:59
Yes, exactly. For me, I wasn’t really a procrastinator, but I did learn to perform well under pressure. It’s taken me years to realize how much of my life was in survival mode. And I love what you said about never seeing your best work—because you’re so right. High achievers believe that their hard work and coping mechanisms are why they’re successful, but they don’t realize it’s just blunt force. There’s so much more available to them when they stop operating in survival mode.

I also think procrastination can sometimes be your friend. Resistance might mean it’s not the right next step or it’s not fully formed yet. Learning to discern the difference between productive resistance and procrastination is important.

Have you seen that nuance too? How would you help someone decipher what procrastination is teaching them?

Elyssa Smith 43:13
Absolutely! I actually advocate that resistance isn’t always procrastination. When we feel resistance, it’s worth pausing to listen. Some people would say, “Just push through it, get it done,” but resistance can be a message from your true self that something isn’t aligned.

When you feel resistance, ask yourself, “What feels unsafe about this?” Write it down or talk it out with someone who can offer a green light perspective. Sometimes, the resistance is telling you that something isn’t aligned, and that’s not procrastination—that’s your inner wisdom guiding you.

On the other hand, if you find that you’re putting something off because you’re afraid of the outcome or judgment, that’s when you know it’s procrastination. But the key is understanding what’s behind the fear. Is it the fear of not being liked? The fear of failure? Once you identify that, you can address it.

Blake Schofield 46:47
So good! I love that question and the process you shared. We’re so often taught to stuff down fear or anxiety like they’re bad things. But these emotions are just part of being human, and we need to learn to sit with them. What am I afraid of, and why?

Once you process those fears, you can make the right decisions for yourself. The more you listen to yourself, the more you’re able to make aligned decisions.

Elyssa Smith 49:13
Absolutely. I think that can be so powerful when you’re facing a big decision—whether it’s about a job, a relationship, or something else. Ask yourself, “What doesn’t feel safe?” And then, if you’re brave enough, write your answer with your non-dominant hand. It taps into a more primal part of the brain that helps you access your deeper emotions.

When you’re facing resistance, sometimes it’s your inner wisdom telling you to pause and reassess. Other times, it’s fear of failure or judgment that’s keeping you stuck. But when you address that fear, you can move forward with clarity.

Blake Schofield 50:24
I love that! Thank you so much for such a rich conversation today. There were so many golden nuggets to help high achievers understand how to achieve what they want with less pain, stress, and burnout. It was wonderful watching your journey of learning to honor yourself and your needs, and I know it will inspire others to do the same.

Before we wrap up, is there anything you’d like to share with the audience about how they can connect with you or anything else you’d like to say?

Elyssa Smith 51:41
Thank you so much! This has been such a delight. You can connect with me on Instagram and LinkedIn at Elyssa C. Smith, and I also have a free Facebook group for women if you’d like to be part of the conversation.

The final thing I want to say is if you saw yourself in anything we discussed today, consider this your permission to walk away from things that don’t serve you. You don’t have to work harder, be better, or do more. You can have a life that brings you joy. Blake and I are proof that you can go from zero to bliss and live an inspiration-based life. So, I hope you’ll do that for yourself.

Blake Schofield 52:38
Thank you so much, Elyssa. And for those of you listening, thank you for being loyal listeners, and I’ll see you next time!